For those of you who may still follow me after my long absence, I’m back and ready to get back to some new topics. My life is chaotic at best, my mind is completely off right now, and my heart is trying to heal. Not that any of this truly matters, but I guess splitting with your wife of 13 yrs will do these things.

I have been trying many things to keep my mind busy, but it is just too powerful. I can drink myself into oblivion, and I still only have one thought, why has my life gone on this path? I can surf the internet all day, and at the end of the day, the same thought occurs! It seems no matter what I do, I look backwards now and wonder what I did so wrong along the way to make my life what it is right now. We do reap what we sow, so I’m wondering, just how bad were the seeds that I planted?

But, as with true S.Taylor form, I don’t stay in these moods for long. I’ve been here for 2 months now, by FAR the longest I have ever been in this state of mind. I’m now getting back to looking forward, life is not so bleak. I’m not a horrible person, I’m a good person who has put himself in a bad situation. It will do me no good to beat myself up forever, because the present and future is all that matters. I cannot and would not, change the past. I will know the good things that are just around the corner.

The places I have been in the past two months and the things I’ve done, I’ll keep off the public blog but will give answers to those that ask. Let’s just say, anyone in their right mind would wonder if I was trying to commit suicide by default. And I will say, the thought of death or dying myself, has no more emotion for me than sitting down to have a beer. I seem to have reached a new plateau of thoughtlessness and I, at this time, genuinely could care less if I died tomorrow or at age 100. I have decided that I will no longer be bound by limits that I or anyone else have placed on me. I have never agreed with the conservative society with all it’s rules on how things should be and what you should do, I’m going to do what I want to do even more aggressively than what I used to.

I just got a job offer yesterday, it is in Wilmington, which is somewhere I do not want to be, but, it is work. It is sales and I will make the best of it. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in sales, I’ll have to brush up the skills a bit, but I believe I will be the once famous powerhouse salesman again in no time. ( How’d you like the arrogance there, see, I am getting better) LOL!!!

My biggest dilemma now is, where do I want to live? I have definitely ruled out  Augusta for many reasons: 1. No coastline to visit, 2: Parents in the area, 3: Dreary ass weather, 4: Back to number 2, parents have become VERY opinionated and negative and they have lived here all their life, I do not want to become like them AT ALL!!!

My preference will be Florida, somewhere. I like the Southern Florida area, but would prefer west coast, not east coast. It looks as though I will be locked up in NC at least for a little bit until I get my feet back on the ground. And get this, after months of searching for a decent job, I get one, and it just so happens to be selling life insurance and annuities, and immediately my Dad says turn it down because Obama is ruining that industry.  $600.00 per week to train for 7 weeks, I think I’ll take it for now, make the most of it and see where it goes. If they pay $600.00 per week to train, I’m sure the real commissions will be wonderfully surprising!

Bye for now, will write more later on my NEW life and all the adventures I know I will encounter!!

     Well, I still love life just as much as before. I had a really good week at work, tiring, but good. The decision was made to start Taylor Global LLC back up again, and already have a job lined up. Advertising is set also.

     My mental state is really good. A week off the weights did some good on my physiology and I’m really not letting the old things bother me anymore. I really have gotten to the point of observing and not judging.

     This weekend though was great. My wife got me to understand that a blog would be a great idea for my business site. After checking things out, I agreed and now am in the process of setting it all up. I am excited about it all and hope to get it up and running in the next week. We also got them set up on her server which means a whole lot of space, so I am almost limitless on what I can do with them.

     My little puppies are becoming active. They are starting to realize what people are or should I say just aware of what is differet and want to explore. I am worried about the little one though, it seems to sleep too much for it’s age. I’m thinking it may have a mental issue.

     Lastly, I joined a challenge on my bodybuilding site. 8 weeks to see who can produce the best results. I am stoked and am looking forward to winning.

     I just don’t have any great stories this week, just some complaining and griping about little stuff. I started taking a NOS supplement again and boy does it make a difference in motivation level. I worked out so hard I think I pushed a couple of muscles a little too far, mainly my shoulders and middle back. Either way, I’m not injured so it feels great and I feel great.

     On occasion, Patti says I have this attitude when someone tells me I’m wrong or things don’t get done my way. Honestly, it feels that when these times pop up, I just don’t care. It really doesn’t matter to me, so I guess, no reaction comes off as pouting or so it would seem. I’m changing and I don’t think we have caught up to each other yet.

     Work is just that. It has changed and now I have to start invoicing again. Should it continue as it did last week, there will be a need to discuss higher pay per hour or going back to bidding for jobs. I haven’t had to chase my money in a year or so, and if I’m going to go there again, then it won’t be at my current rate of pay. It may very well be a time for change here also.

     Other than those things I’m enjoying life. I love watching the birds and the squirrels in the morning, the weather is awesome, I’m currently watching my grass grow(exciting huh?), and overall have gotten back to seeing nature interact with itself as well as us. It is truly amazing the things that happen without guidance, or so it would seem.

     Fiona’s little pups have opened their eyes and are now getting to all fours. The fun is about to begin. Well enough for now, it’s Saturday and I’ve got things to accomplish. I know this weeks post is a bit boring, but don’t you worry, by Monday I’m sure to have something I’m passionate about.

     This is my fourth week of posting here and the satisfaction I get is minimal. I just learned about tags today so maybe that will get some more interest going into my rambling thoughts. The week was good but a little strange. Work had some modifications in processes, home was normal, and I feel Ok.

     Me feeling Ok is simply, I got a little tired and slacked off on my workouts. I guess my body needed a break, or just mentally I needed one. The supplements seem to be working great, but after one more round I will cease to take this stack and probably move back to Celltech and NOS. I have learned that this method puts on mass, but a lot of it is water. When I stopped taking celltech, I started to lose weight. I’m now down 13 pounds in about 3 months. Once I hit 160, I guess I’ll just have to eat like a true pig to keep the weight up. I want to lose the gut, but I also want size added everywhere else.

     Work, what’s to say. We’ve been asked for more accountability and I will give them that. It was sorely needed. Now they are wanting to destroy trees to get it by senseless paperwork. You know how much I hate this. In todays world there is almost no need for paper.

     Home was home. The puppies are growing rapidly. One almost got on all fours and the boy is definately the more vocal. I was worried about Fiona because she was sleeping alot, but she seemed much better yesterday. Maybe it was just the fact she got her ass end cleaned up in the bath. That’s got to feel better. Fury acts more like a Father and I think he knows what they are now. Baron seems to have calmed a lot. I can tell now that he just wants to play like everyone else. He’s been a great friend.

     Patti seems to be doing fine. She got her website almost done. There is a week and a half left she says. She does seem to have begun to abandon the house work though. The meals have become simpler and the cleaning  less than before. The philosophy has become, why clean it when it will just get dirty again. This won’t work. I know the animals are a lot to take care of and they are the reason for just about all of the mess. Of course, now you add in the pollen, and you have a disaster on your hands. Thank goodness for the rain yesterday.

     I do complain a lot and I’m working on not doing so. I read something this week which stated, don’t compare or compete. I’m trying real hard to do this, and adding in the don’t criticize, condemn or complain philosophy also. I’m working on doing what I need to for myself and simply observing the rest. Not making judgements, just assessments of how it fits in nature and my life. Since my life will be over some day, I want to be the best I can when I go.

     It started out good just being able to work in town, about 5 minutes from the house. Then it got better. Our little Fione had 4 puppies. She seems to be a great mother so far, barely leaving their side to go to the bathroom for herself. It got so bad I said if I didn’t see her poop, she was going to the vet. Of course nature takes care of all things in their time, not mine. She did go and seems to be fine.

     Patti and I had a verbal go around yesterday that seemed to end well. Learning that my arrogance and selfishness are two things that get people aggravated with me, is something that I guess I have not learned yet. It seems that I am still overbearing and think that my ways are better than everyone elses. In truth, it does not matter, because again all things will work out as they are supposed to. I apologized, but as usual, I don’t think she believes me.

     On brighter notes, my workouts are going good and I feel great. According to the measurements, I seem to have made some gains. One thing learned is that creatine will pump your muscles full of water for recovery, but when you stop taking it and the water goes away, you find you haven’t made the gains you thought you did. When I saw that people put on 10 pounds from one jug of celltech, of course the response is “WOW, I want some!”. Then the realization hits that it is mostly water weight. I want lean muscle mass, so what I get, stays.

     Baron has been great this week, although with all the excitement, he has hurt himself again. The limp seems to be coming from the back leg this time. I’ll be getting him some buffered aspirin today. Fury, poor thing, his world has just been turned upside down. His best friend has nothing but growls and snips for him. I hope he will understand and not let this affect their relationship later. They got along so well.

     My goal this week is to just keep my spiritual goals in focus so that I may treat Patti better and hopefully make our relationship stronger.

     Boy, where to start. Patti went to the doctor and I am guessing that the news is good, because she seems happy with visit. She has told me some of what transpired, but I got hung up on her explanation of the abusive relationship between the two of us. And of course Angel. This entire line of thought sent me completely off kilter for the whole week.

     Patti has never bought the fact that my indescretions are painful for me. They are and sometimes even more so when they are recalled, because I know then that there is no forgiveness yet and that the other persons pain is still there. I have never wanted to hurt the people I love.

     On a brighter note, work is changing as John Long is out and his California investor is in. It sounds as though the whole operation will be better run. My supplements came in and the DHEA seems to have a real boost on mood. I think it may be what knocked me out of my little depression. I will resume working out today to achieve my goals in fitness.

     On Bodybuilding.com, I’ve found all the tracking materials I was trying to create on my own, so I am happy to be filling in all my info there. I intend over the next 6 weeks to make tremendous improvements in my physique. Fat loss and muscle gain. Well, I am off to my weekend. See you next week!

     Well, here I am a week later and still not sure of just what I need to put down in words. I feel like writing it down is for someone else’s knowledge of me, but I am told this is simply for me to release my inner world and feelings for my own benefit. I will try to do this as both.

     Work, well work is work. No true drama this week but we did accomplish alot on the house we were working on in Jacksonville. Everyone seemed to be on their game, but me. I kept making stupid miscalculations. The cabinet layout was wrong, but I had help making it that way. Other than that it was just small stuff, like never remembering to take pictures so that I can place them on my business site.

     Personally, things also went well. My regrets this week were jumping on Patti twice. I should have been more mature in relation to how I spoke to her. Both were concerning Fury, his biting to get attention when he wants to play or is jealous of someone else getting attention, and the other is his barking. My feelings are that he hears things we cannot, so he is simply telling us he hears something. This is my doing because I show interest and will most times help him discover what is making the noise.

     As far as his biting, to me it is not hard, it is more of a strong tug. Patti is more sensitive to it though. I am to blame for this also, because I sometimes allow him to do this to me as I will start playing with him when he does. For the most part though, when I tell him to stop, he does and I’m not sure why he does not do so for Patti, but I will be working on this.

     My workouts? I’ve started the dreaded habit of allowing myself to make excuses when I don’t feel like working out, because of being tired. I work hard and some days after having been working for 8 hours and driving for three (totaling 11 hours away from home with 2 morning hours preparing for work), I allow myself the justification that I got my excercise for the day and it is OK to skip the formal workout. I don’t ever work that hard anymore and should definately not make excuses.

     As far as Patti and I, I think we are getting along well. I know she is hating her job and I hate that for her. She has this overwhelming sense of responsibility for others. This sometimes leads to her not doing what she really wants to do. I believe she would be happier if she found something that allows her to be in charge as the decision maker. Her intelligence, diligence and loyalty would then be visible for others to see and praise.

     Here appt for hormone therapy is on the 10th and I’m truly hoping that they will make a difference. She doesn’t seem to like the person she is in some areas and I would just like her to love herself for what she is and what she offers. Patti can’t see what I see. When she does she will then realize just how wonderful a person she really is.

See you next week!!